A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (5.)


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A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (1.)

A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (2.)

A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (3.)

A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (4.)

The fox in my left ear highlighted the unpleasantness of involving myself, and muttered that the girl would probably be in no condition to sue anyone if I sat back on my ass. The wydra in my right ear nodded to the fox, but softly bemoaned the fact that I suffer from vengeful luck, and should this adolescent escape with mind intact I would suffer all the fangs of those hounds who persecute breakers of the Pact.

Getting sued has become quite ugly these days.

Between my ears my grandmother piped up in a breathless voice; she didn’t understand what was going on, but she certainly hoped her granddaughter would never be found on the wrong side of the law. She smiled.

Nothing for it. I stood, and the girl’s face adopted a repellent species of hopefulness.

I cleared my throat and then mentally kicked myself because the crowd was already looking at me. Even Loud Frod, who looked smug and expectant as if I were about to back him up. Or something equally inane.

Everyone,” I fixed on my bureaucratic smile, “I am pleased to announce that the unusual course of this burning will produce a unique, perhaps unprecedented, cosine function. I would like to thank you on behalf of my office,” I added, clenching my fists but keeping my eyes from rolling, “for as you all know, ‘more data is always good’.” Continue reading “A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (5.)”

A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (4.)


I returned my eyebrows to their usual position with a groan, and steeled myself for public notice of the girl’s unwanted display. I would have to factor this into my function- and head office would be delighted. Because I had never attended and charted a burning that was disturbed before.

Even the youngest of children know that this would be a bad idea, but she was even on tiptoes, for Nebula’s sake. 

Why was she here? Clearly still in the “omigosh now we’re biologically tuned to do —ual things together!” phase of life, she ought to be sequestered in some learning facility with plenty of free time on her hands. Here, she was just an unwanted reminder of her elders’ passage through that very phase. Something hot, and associated with more than the Loud Frod escapade alone, crept up the back of my neck and I shifted uncomfortably

Continue reading “A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (4.)”

A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (3.)


Froddy Pollericks was giving the introductory speech, as he is wont to do. A few years ago (I suppose it really has been that long) there was a healthy, heterogeneous pool of MC’s for chair burnings and I toyed with my parameters depending on who started things off.

However, there is something about politicking positions like these that attracts the most officious and unfortunate of our species. Just as bad money drives out good, Loud Frod Pollericks had installed himself as sole king of chair burnings.

If he ever relents in his daily expressions of scorn for other burnings their invasion will be a forgone conclusion. Continue reading “A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (3.)”

A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (2.)


I think the linguo-statisticians and the plebs have caught enough flak for today.

My own relatively ignominious work is to apply a cosine function to anything and everything. Exempli gratia,

  • To the quality of muffins produced at various speciality dessert stores at various times of day
  • To the number of things burned per minute during the course of various burnings (factoring in the volume of yelling, if I so please)
  • To the growth of men’s moustaches depending on how close we are to the coveted vacation season
  • To the correlation between output of self-published poetry anthologies and gloomy weather Continue reading “A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (2.)”

A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (1.)


Wherever there is a great number of amazingly important people doing incredibly ignominious jobs, there will be certain byproducts. Crowded specialty dessert cafes, burnings (books, chairs, etc., they are quite tame all things considered), pervasive vacation advertisements, and an overwhelming number of self-published poetry anthologies.

Since everyone in our arm of the galaxy enjoys relatively ignominious work, and everyone believes herself to be amazingly important, we have a lot of the above.

Just for the record, that “herself” may be credited to our “womankind” cycle this lunar year. Some time ago, when the plebs in office were even more in need of occupation than they are now, the-powers-that-be set them to work on the problem of how to make up for womankind’s long use of “mankind, man, and the general ‘he'”. The plebs mulled this over for a while, and then leapt at the suggestion of some lonely linguo-statistician as to how they should go about this project.

They began by approximating the number of times male-gendered language had been used to refer to the human species as a whole. Ever.

Continue reading “A Chair Burning, and an Unfortunately Outspoken Girl (1.)”